Hello my small world <3 How have you been?

Today's been . . . a roller coaster ride < <; Woke up this morning feeling out of it, had a small freak out. Felt fine after a shower and a cup of coffee. Got some-thing like a lot done, at least enough to pretend productivity. > >;

Washed a lot of stuff, cleaned room. Two big important things done.

. . . *tries to re-gather train of thought*

Washed comforters (is not sure that is the right word) at the laundromat. If you try to set someone you murdered up for suicide, don't put two bullets through their chest then leave them with a gun in the wrong hand. Also, to my future spouse. When i die, please don't take my body from the morgue and put it back in our bed. It's a romantic thought, but . . . yeah < <;

Had supper with the family. Hunter's stew X3 Class. Forgot the pony > >; Came home, did some more stuff before going out to the camp for S'mores and a card game. Was going to camp out there but . . . i honestly wouldn't be good company.

Emotional swings like whoa today. From content to ticked, to really pissed, to just irritated, to content with the world again. Now ku's exhausted. I sound like a preggers T _ T Started my week tonight though, so it can't be that Xb

Need to make my bed for sera and then got to make my bed for me. Probably going to steal the futon from cassie's room then just replace it with the air mattress . . . eventually.

My back, neck, head, and stomach all hurt now. I bopped the spot earlier when cleaning and . . . yeah . . . Good idea, Bad idea. That was a BAD idea.

. . . Stuff . . . Ku's probably just going to give up on the day and head to bed soon.


Happy Birthday Trebias!

location: home not camp mood: drained music: songs stuck in my head

Yay, another day.

Ku did pretty well not being rawr and bitter today. Well most of today. Until she went to work at least < <;

Got some stuff done . . . cleaned up some files on her comp. Found that she has 3 different scanner thingys and /none/ of them actually work o O Looks like it is also going to be a pain to get them off since "uninstall" didn't really work out like it should.

Some other stuff needs to be done to Sakoshi as well. My poor laptop. I bet he hates my guts . . . or he's thankful. *shrug*

Stuff, stuff, stuff.

Ku's feeling weird right now. Not irritated nor lethargic, but it seems to be something close > >;;;;

*still wishes she had a reboot button*

Oh, yeah. *just remembered* I slammed my shin when getting into the car today. It hurts < < Got a bruise. My stitches also feel funneh (< _ <;)

mood: pensive music: Nope. Pirates of the Caribbean

Look! I found a story!

( Hello There )

This was written after/while listening to the song "Call Me When You Are Sober" by Evanescence.

Pretty sure this isn't proof read by others, so I apologize now for horrible grammar or spelling ^ ^;

mood: accomplished

Hi! Been a while again, hasn't it. Finally decided to try and keep up with everything. We shall see how it goes this time.

So an update for you.

Found out that Ku's been accepted into a college to finish her Bachelor's. University of Louisiana at Lafayette has said they, at least potentially, want Ku. So this August, less then a month away, Ku's moving down there to live with her Grandma till other means of living work out.

Today things have bubbled up and Ku's decided that she wants to be productive. Not that she isn't already but well . . . she feels like she is kind of just floating around. > >;

Maybe I will try my hand at writing again? Go back and look at some old works? Can't really draw and too lazy, honestly, to keep 'practicing'. MLP thing is going pretty well but that gets costly after a bit and no one else seems all that interested in it right now (as in commissions).

On the drive home - yay traffic o O; - Ku had some thoughts. Not depressing ones, but rather . . . 'Wot makes people like Ku' kind of thoughts. Wot does Ku /provide/ for others? Cause honestly she gripes, and is bitter, and complains, and isn't all that driven a lot of the time.

So yeah. Going to update a few sites that have just been sitting there. Hopefully things will get moving along and Ku will find a 'calling' of some sort.

For those of you who read this: *loves*

location: uchi! mood: hopeful music: Pandora

Okay so apparently ku is filled with stress and it's finally breaking loose. She's been feeling kind of lethargic recently and couldn't pin it down but kind of ranting at someone seems to have broken the dam.

April 5th was the deadline to apply to Connecticut College - the only college around here that offers the degree that I want. Wot the hell i am going to do with it? Don't know, but it's about my only running passion at the moment. So the not knowing if i got in or not is . . . something. I've been trying my best to give it to God and figure life will take me where I need to go, but it is the whole /everything/ ridding on this that's bothering me. I keep thinking I got in - which is a good chance - but if i didn't then well there's a big let down i don't think i can emotionally handle. Not to mention the set back in plans.

If i did . . . well then that has it's own bunch of problems and things to look forward to.

Besides that, I have a small essay due Monday. My application for graduation is due by the 15th of this month. The Easter Contest on SoD is due by the 15th. A mid-term for Anthropology is due the 15th. And! to top it all off i have hit a MASSIVE writer's block. *is kind of hoping this will solve that*

I need to sign up for classes this summer, debating if i am just going to take one or two. Debating if i should get a second job now or later.

I work tonight till 9:30, (class before work) Mon & Tues 4:30 - 9:30 - Wed & Thurs I have late night classes - Fri 4:30 - 10:30, Sat 11 - 5, Sun 4:30 - 9:30 and then the week starts all over again with the same days for classes.

So yes, up to neck in stress. Starting to not sleep well. Keep getting headaches and allergy attacks. Stomach has been uber upset and not happy the last few days to boot as well. Just STUFF.

And i feel like breaking down and cussing everyone out right now . . . .

location: Shigoto mood: enraged

“Come here, Dia! I have something to tell you.” She grasped the stuffed animal wolf gently in her jaws before padding over to her bed. After settling herself down she released her so that she lay on her front paws. Dia was her best friend, though she was /real/ at the same time she wasn’t. This is what the doctors should mean when they told her over and over that her brother wasn’t real. She rolled her eyes at the thought.

“So Dia, what is the definition of insane?” She asked the stuffed animal. Every night she taught Dia her lessons, after all /someone/ else around here needed to be just as smart as she was. Otherwise things would get boring extremely quickly and the People here got mad at her when that happened. It wasn’t /her/ fault.

She tilted her head to the side, as if she was listening to the something that the plushy was telling her. “That is very close, Dia, but not quite. The definition of insane is, to be mentally disordered: exhibiting insanity. And insanity is, a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder, such as that of as schizophrenia. Therefore!” she continued excitedly, “these silly doctors do not know of what they speak.”

She gave the wolf plushy a fond lick before nodding her head once. “You agree, don’t you? There is /nothing/ wrong with me. Honestly, I bet their only selfish goal is to keep me from my brother. I don’t know why my Uncle doesn’t tell them off for their foolishness. He /knows/ after all. I bet they would listen to him.” She gave a small pout at the idea that all of this could be solved if her Uncle just spoke up for her.

“Oh! He was here the other day! Did you know that? That dear man, I know that he tries to come as often as he can, and honestly I appreciate his visits. It helps to ease some of the drabness here. Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. You are my best friend, you know that. But sometimes I wonder . . . No one really else really understands me . . . well I suppose he doesn’t really either, but he does get it more then the others.”

She was silent for another moment before tilting her head to the other side, her ear perked up at attention. “What’s that? Oh I remember that.” She giggled for a moment before continuing, “I bet that silly nurse won’t be coming around this hall again anytime soon.” She gave a grin, curling her lip some. If she had seen the image of what she had just done she would have gone into one of those ‘episode’ the doctors and nurses referred to so often. “Such an imprudent woman. I mean, honestly, she should know that you don’t do that to the ferret in 2D-E. She should know better, otherwise she doesn’t deserve to work here.” She gave a sage nod of her head. “Even /I/ could do a better job. I don’t know why they don’t just hire me. I know /all/ the patients here. I know every single one that is actually sick and those who aren’t. Such an idiotic thing they call this normalcy. I mean Mr. Bennet, who is here because he has a ‘Sleep terror disorder’, when in honest truth he is just a very brilliant man. He has some of the most wonderful ideas and I always enjoy any time I get to spend with the man.”

A huge yawn broke off her speech.

“I am sorry, Dia. It appears my body is in need of its nightly rest. I am sure you will forgive me won’t you? You will protect me, right? I can only trust in you, Uncle, and brother.” She lay her head down on her paws besides Dia, covering up her muzzle with the plushy. “I hope brother is alright. He promised to come back, and he will, I just wish he would make it sooner. I miss him -” she gave another yawn, her eyes fluttering down, “so much.”

She was quiet for a moment, her breath starting to even out as she slowly fell asleep. Just before she finally slipped into the darkness she mumbled, “I love you brother” as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

location: home mood: creative music: Pandora tags: cards, karimuffin, sod

"I personally, have no plot running for the Court of Clubs.

Dana may have lofty plans, but they are by no means the only ideas out there. If she's really getting too hard on your case then she needs to back off because her ideas are not the end-all-be-all. I'm sorry if she was trying to convince you of something being my idea.

I'm honestly not sure of what all of Xia's plans are at the moment...come to think of it.

Hmmm. If she's really becoming a problem and not letting you go ahead with your plans (which you've worked really hard on O__o I can see that.) then poke me again and I'll have a chat with her.

No bother at all hon *Hugs* I don't want another 'Taka problem' (FP's cosplay who was hogging up the works) in the Courts systems <3

~Nathalia"


> > I think i am calmer now. Not less plotting death, just able to handle most of it better.

Still ticked about yesterday. Just Gah! (I am probably blowing things out of portions and probably don’t know the whole story (something else that pisses me off) but you know wot, at this point right now I just want to say “screw you”)

I decided to take Kari’s advice and plot out between Dana’s char and Aderlass, only to discover upon iming her that she is Nat’s roommate. Well that is just freakin dandy. As soon as I read that I just stopped trusting her. We hadn’t even said anything, I know nothing about her, and I already only have a negative view of her. I hate that I honestly feel I can’t trust her with anything.

I feel backstabbed on the site. I have been working MONTHS on my plottage for Aderlass and trying to HELP other FREAKIN chars, only to have someone who joined in DECEMBER to come in a blow it all up to the freakin fan. Wot the flippin snot! And then because she knows Nat and Jenn IRL my gut tells me that if they really want to have her BLOW up the freakin court system, they –will- find a way screwing me over. How can I even pretend to plot with her with that nagging at me? How the hell does she even think of doing that, the Clubs are the LOWEST rank, she has no big powers but her disease bugs. If the other courts want to squash her they freakin will, and Aderlass is going to stand by and laugh. HARD.

But you know wot. Aderlass will find a freakin way to keep that bloody throne. Just to spite them. I can’t even believe I am contemplating this but Elyse might be an out card. Depending on how things go I might find someone to attack or rape her or –something-, so Aderlass can freak out and KILL EVERYONE. Then I will kill all my other chars and just leave.

I am just SICK of all the plottage, half truths, secrets and lies. Yes there needs to be some, but I have been active – like ON EVERY DAY for –months- and still I don’t feel trusted by anyone on that site. Sure people talk to me – which recently no one has which pisses me off. Wot the snot is your guy’s deal. I am working on being a mediator, playing by the rules, trying to make everything flow, and trying to -help- others, out! and no one tells me anything, no one talks to me, no one bothers to even include me in anything. And this isn’t just about Kiki getting mod, though the only reason that ticks me off is because myself and others have constantly been saying we want to help out.

Either Nat and Jenn are on Aderlass’ side or they aren’t. I am not saying they need to play favorites, but either this needs to work out fairly with no interplay or I just give up. It seems that Aderlass has –constantly- been attack in attempt to make him or break him. It is a flippin good thing Aderlass is Bi and he isn’t seriously committed to Minh or I would be pissed right now.

It just seems that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is working against me and Sera. I am starting to get ticked about her gift too. I mean, we spent more points than I have ever dreams of getting, for her gift, with the understanding that it was to be UNIQUE, and then someone else shows up with one. Come on! I can understand Nat being pushed on ideas or time but that is just a low blow in my mind right now.

Just, GAH! *is fuming* I am not going back to that site to do any postings till Nat answers my PM. Cause I just can’t handle it right now.

. . .

I was going to put this on private, but you know wot? NO ONE reads my live journal, so it doesn’t flippin matter!

location: States mood: bitchy music: Winamp

So, we come to the end of yet another year. 2007 has been a year full of a many adventures. Graduation from High School, moving on with my life, friends, family, and others. I have gone from living in the wonderful 日本 (Japan) to moving to Groton, Connecticut, a town in Connecticut that takes less then ten minutes to drive through.

I have made a lot of decisions deciding who I am, who I want to become, and how I plan on getting there. I have joined the RP site SoD,[www.decadentsuits.proboards102.com] and gained Aderlass from there <3 I have made a lot of new friends and have been able to keep a lot of old ones, even reuinited with some.

There have been some down times this year, and the ending months have been some of the hardest yet with the move and being seperated from something that I have loved so much, Japan. I have every intention of following through and making a trip back to Japan. It is my hope and goal to find a way to move there to live. I really do miss it so.

I do admit in some ways I am glad to say that it is about gone and past. The next year, 2008 looks to be promising and new. (I get to be 19 too!) I have every intention of making it another year worth having lived and I can not wait to see what it and God has in store for me.

I wish everyone luck with new year. May it bring you success and happiness. Please remember to have fun but keep safe!

I hope to hear from all of you again in this coming year. <3

Happy New Year, Greetings year 2008. Let's see wot you have instore for us.

location: Connecticut mood: thankful

Behind the mask, Lies my Dreams. Hidden away, so that only I may Follow them. 

Wot is it that hides behind the mask? Hidden in your dreams is the answer. Listen to it, with silence and patience, and the answers will come to you. Wot will you do with the answers? That is your decision. Follow your dreams or follow your destiny? Are they both the same or are they different? Do you know or will the end show? Being brave is only part of the quest. The other part is that you must follow through step by step and come to the end. Do you dare? 

Who will travel with you? Who will you meet? No one knows the answers, but fate. Each one has one and each must chose. Your's may be different or it may be the same. Your’s is but the beginning of the end. Within you lies the rest, the rest to follow, and the more to come. Follow your dreams with all of your heart, and ever remain silent with tranquility so that the answers may continue to ring true. That is but the quest, the rest will come step by step. Always follow your Dreams. The answer only you can find and only you can follow. 

Silent answers.

location: States mood: contemplative

 Colors Test <3

At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

The way things are at this time it is necessary to 'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be left in abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are able to derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quite close to you.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

That is oddly accurate  @  _  @;;

location: Lodge mood: pensive

ZOMG <3333333333333

My comp DID save all my precious files! <3

Sakoshi is ultimate LOVE!

He saved them under C:/Documents and Settings/Kuni Documents

I found it by accident when trying to re-download Hana Kimi and it told me that it already had these files. 

*dances and sings for joy*

I thank God for this and pet Sakoshi for allowing it to happen 


~ * ~ 
Other News:

Packout today. They packed everything today except for our beds xD;

They will come for those tomorrow. We are in the process of cleaning our house and settling in. 

So~ things are busy but looking up! <3

location: my bare home mood: ecstatic music: all my non-lost files

It's pretty bad today. 

>_ <" 

I want to huddle in the fetal position and pretend i don't hurt. 

It isn't so much pain but i feel very ARGH, like i am being pressed in by a closing box or something and it isn't squeezing hard enough to do anything but cause discomfort. It either needs to come in and pop my joints (or me) or just leave. 

I am also very tense and wanting to dig my nail into my skin. 

My stomach isn't too happy either. 

I need to check the reactions list and see wot it says. I might skip the mobic and take 800mg of ibuprofen.

I want to seriously cry.

location: home for now mood: frustrated music: VH1

Something I wrote on spur of the moment. It isn't done and is only a rough jot down . . .



 

location: My Mind mood: contemplative

ざわ is the sound effect for the sound of a crowd; like one would use 'blah, blah'.

So, 15 MG of Mobic equals only 6 hours of relief. x _ x;;
7.5 is about 4 hours.

My muscles keep getting really tense once the meds start to wear off. I feel like scratching or rubbing at my skin till it bleeds. I feel really figety and aggitated.
I should probably mention these effects on Thursday if they continue and the fact that I need stronger meds. Soooooo~ much pain *cries*

On a happier note:
My manager isn't talking to me <3 It is great! Went to work and was playing around with my co-worker and working on Invoices. She just walks out and goes to lunch without even so much as a 'bye'. So~ once we figured out that she wasn't coming back we jacked around for the hour and half! I read manga online and he pretended to work. Wahahahaahahaha~ Then she came back so we gave the impression that we were working.

location: home mood: restless music: Taiko <3

SOOOOOOO~ much pain > _ <"

Oh My FREAKING Goodness~!

I almost wish for morphine or death or something.

The mere thought that I have been in pain for 4 or 5 years makes me cry or ripe off my head.

I just want to feel freakin' NORMAL for ONE day T-T ~ T-T

I hate feeling restless, in pain, and having too much creativity and nothing to do with it.

*ISH TICKED*

location: home mood: irate music: ~

So starting tomorrow I am taking two pills of Mobic for the pain and 'x' amounts of tylenol. *crossesfingers*

Did a LOT of walking today. x _ x My feet and knees are uber ticked. I might try soaking them . . . if i get the energy to get up and then come back down stairs. (Looks like it won't happen).

Made a realization while walking today. I knew this was happening but I didn't realize how bad < . <;; I have, 'taking for granted' seems like too strong of a term, but I guess 'expecting and not returning'. I want complements, acknowledgment, attention . . . yet I have been very sparingly in giving them back to those that deserve them. I am trying to work harder, so forgive me if I have slighted you. Maybe this will help to build a bridge over the void . . . if not a rocky one.

I have an appointment on Thursday at 2:20 for my feet. Going to go to square one again and try and see if it works this time. > . > I don't have my fingers crossed too tightly for this.

My letter of resignation was handed in today. My manager didn't even blink. If it wasn't that I expected that reaction, I would be pissed. Good thing that I stopped caring > _ <"

*goes to read more manga and thinks about WoW*

location: home mood: exhausted music: Taiko Drum CDs

So I am offically on meds . . . alright I lied. I am offically -takeing- my meds. I didn't realize how much pain i was in till the meds wore off. ZOMFREAKINGG no wonder i have been pissed and biting peoples heads off. X _ X;;;;; I can't really think of anything but the pain. I would probaby place it near a seven now that i realize how bad it is. It also means my feet are getting worse.

Mom wants me to go ahead and get the 15MG dosage since she doesn't think it is working as well as it should be.

I need to find a way to have them in my system so when I wake up there is bliss. TT ~ TT

location: home mood: Pain